Bitch du Jour

You must see the new Bad Lieutenant starring Nicolas Cage. It is so good. I wanted it to keep playing forever. Nick is still a crazy fucker, but I just can’t resist his movies. His character in Bad Lt. is amazing. I love him.

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It is almost more fun when you see a Z lister than an A lister. Like the time shane spotted Jared Fogel, of Subway weightloss fame, at LaGuardia.

So shane and I were standing in front of Crispo, not minding our own business, when none other than JOHN TESH and CONNIE SELLECA wandered into our world. They got out of a town car with a granny and a teenage-ish daughter. They looked very confused, so shane finally asked if they were looking for Crispo and pointed them inside!! Too damn funny. SHANE DROPPED SOME KNOWLEDGE ON JOHN TESH!!

So, only about 50% of the people who have heard this story know who John Tesh and Connie Selleca are… JT used to be the host of Enertainment Tonight and now makes weird new age music. Connie was the Jennifer Love Hewitt of about 25 years ago. She is actually the reason I noticed them – she is still stunningly beautiful with raven black hair. *wendy g was able to confirm that Connie also starred on the TV Show “Hotel” for 5 years back in the 80’s. Thanks wendy g!

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…but now i LOVE him!! like his shirt.

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It’s time to play the STFU game….FAMILY STYLE

The family who is most in need of a steaming hot vat of SHUT THE FUCK UP is the Will Smith/Jada Pinckett Smith power family. Let’s count the reasons why:

• Will Smith: you are the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Not Muhammed Ali. Get over yourself.
• Jada Pinckett Smith: your stupid and UNNECESSARY HawthoRNe show always throws a wrench into my Law and Order marathons. GO AWAY. And no one wants to hear you constantly yapping about your family and all of their upcoming projects. I loved you in Menace II Society….and now YOU are the menace!
• Jaden Smith: none of us can chose our parents, but that doesnt get you a free pass. The Karate Kid was an 80’s classic and did not need to be tampered with. You and Jackie Chan can go fuck off. Sorry to drag you into this, Jackie Chan, but did you blow all of your Rush Hour money or what? I don’t see Chris Tucker out there trying to ruin Pretty in Pink. 
• Willow Smith: don’t worry folks, if you haven’t already heard of Willow, the Pinckett-Smith exploitation train isnt stopping any time soon. Willow wants to be a singer. Move over Miley Cyrus, Willow is younger, more annoying, and has pushier Hollywood parents than YOU!! Parents Just Don’t Understand can kick Achy Breaky’s ass any day of the week.
• The cutesy his-and-hers naming of the kids is really annoying. I mean, should we name our next cats Shana and The Bastard? NO.
• Trey Smith: Trey has managed to stay only halfway in the spotlight because he isn’t Jada’s kid. Trey is in high school in Hollywood and plays football with Wayne Gretsky’s kid and Joe Montana’s kid. God forbid he actually has some talent on the football field…if so, we are going to be pummeled with his image on Gatorade bottles etc for the next 100 years
• Not satisfied with having 2,3,4,5 stars in the family, The Smiths like to get together with OTHER annoying Hollywood families, like the Cruises. Yes, let’s see if we can get a photo of Tom, Katie, Suri, Conner, Isabella, Will, Jada, Trey, Willow, and Jaden all vamping for the camera together. YAY! The Smiths and The Cruises are so tight, Jada has even given money to the Tom and Katie’s Scientology School.

STFU!!

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If there is one thing I have learned lately, it is to not take my Bret Michaels for granted. Life is touch-and-go people…one day you can be rockin a bandana on the love bus, and the next day your head explodes and it’s all weave in the wind. VIVA LA BRET MICHAELS!!

But seriously, dude, don’t you need some bed rest? I’m debating staying home from work because MY CAT is illin. (So not an option). You should not be running around Celebrity Apprenticing and American Idoling. Stay home.

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More like a pain in the ass!! Eldrick “Tiger” Woods withdrew from The Players Championship after his 7th hole today. Go call your mom and your baby momma. I bet Elin will not hear from him today and does not want to.

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Damn, the Tiger Woods PR machine is pulling out all the stops. We just watched the new Tiger Nike ad, and they dragged his poor dead dad out of the grave to ask him what the hell he was thinking!!!

WOW

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Everyone has heard the “Deer ran in front of my car” excuse, you fucking tool. Let’s not go blaming Bambi’s mom for your drunken fuckery. But I’m sure your son BOGART is relieved to escape from your drunken car crash, scathed only by the stupid name you gave him.

stupid pucker

p.s. your cultural relevancy expired PRE-MILLENIUM…LOSER

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At this point, if you are tweeting your suicide threat to Demi Moore, you are about as sincere as I am when I say “God Bless You”.

And Demi, I know you think it makes you seem hip to be the neighborhood watch of Twitter, but it actually just makes you seem like the nosy old lady next door.

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RICKY MARTIN IS OUT OF THE CLOSET!!

Congratulations Ricky! Chosing to go public about being gay takes a lot of courage. ESPECIALLY if you are a celebrity.

Live your lives people! There’s no telling when a suicide bomber or a Toyota Prius might take you out! No time for hate, let’s celebrate!

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