oh, if my purse could talk…
when someone asks me if i won big in vegas i reply, “my purse was my big win”…and here is how the story goes:
we hit the Sigma Derby table at the MGM around 4:30 A.M on Labor Day. shane and i like to game during “opposite hours” for a couple of reasons:
- no crowds, i.e. fewer assholes getting in our way
- we are never the drunkest people in the casino at 5 A.M.
so we did sigma derby for a couple of hours, then slots, and then we decided to seek out my elusive $3 craps table around 9:30 A.M… CASINO ROYALE OR BUST!! The C.R. has always been a fave for the cheap craps, cheaper drinks, and non-stop hits from the 80′s. I just love those hole in the wall joints. On the flip side, this is where dealers either go to die or never graduate from, so you have to keep an eye on things…
SO, I was on quite a roll crapping it up, as i LOVE to do, always breaking even on the free drinks…and shane at his slots (we think)…suddenly, reality set in that we needed to deal with our impending hotel check-out and trip to the airport to catch our 11 P.M. RED EYE back to suckyville. I settled up with the dealers and when I went to grab my purse from under the craps table….IT WAS GONE!! at this point i had the worst realization ever, which was that i was way too drunk to deal with the situtation…(one saving grace: i had moved my wallet onto my craps shelf, so i knew i could board my plane and no one was using my credit cards)…so they hustled us back into the security room where i attempted to fill out a report…it reminded me of trying to take my SATs while my hands bled from punching out windows the night before…security dude asked how long i had been at that table, and at that point i realized it was 5 P.M. and i had been gaming at that craps table like it was my damn job. whoopsie. at this point, shane and i started bickering because he was trying to make the claim that it was only 5 A.M. and we had only been gaming for an hour, not 13 hours. this didnt even make sense. double whoopsie. by this time, the pit boss had rewound the tape back far enough to see some chick walk out of the casino with my purse. at 2:30 p.m. 2 and a half hours ago. triple whoopsie. so we decided the best course of action was to go back to our hotel and swing by the police station along the way. po po station was closed. can you believe that? i didnt think the po po got a day off in vegas. i’m kind of happy for them. so instead of having my meltdown in the las vegas police station, i had my meltdown in the lobby of our hotel. when we finally got back upstairs, there was a message on our voicemail that my purse was at the security cage downstairs!! 2 more meltdowns later, my purse was back in my possession like it had never left me! Except there was a note from a chick including a complete inventory of my purse, stating that she had found my purse in the parking lot of casino royale!! just as i was pondering the fact that there is no such thing as a good samaritan who find designer handbags in shitty casino parking lots and then go to the effort of finding the person’s hotel to return the purse, suddenly my cell phone rang!! it was my good samaritan calling to shake me down!! MESSAGE TO ALL SHAKEDOWN ARTISTS: at this point, i have heard every version of dead-mom, wife stole my truck, lost my job, missed my bus, need my diabetes meds, can’t feed my kids, need to pay for beauty school, etc, so can you please just cut to the chase and tell me what dollar amount it will take to get you out of my life?
My last $20 in Vegas was spent to make Sally Shakdown go away. (i left her an envelope at the front desk).
do you think my shit day ends there? NO
it wasnt til i boarded the plane that i realized i was in the middle seat of the emergency row. so i couldn’t even sleep. every time i sort of fell asleep i would fall forward into the aisle and wakeup. and i had that horrible eminem rhianna song stuck in my head. we landed back in hell at 5:45 a.m. and yes i DID work a full work day. VIVA LAS VEGAS!
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